


alone, without you by my side

by reyesoflight



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gen, Post Ep 2x21, this is mainly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-05 05:08:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11006634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reyesoflight/pseuds/reyesoflight
Summary: Alex has endured so many losses but this is by far the worst.or the one where alex has no choice but to fire the cannon despite knowing kara has no chance of survival.





	alone, without you by my side

**Author's Note:**

> i can't believe i wrote this lmao i've never written anything this angsty.  
> this takes place during 2x21 and the events or 2x22 can be ignored.
> 
> special thanks to [shelby](http://darlinglena.tumblr.com/) for being my beta and saving my ass!!

When Alex learns that Kara is still on the Daxamite ship, her entire world collapses beneath her. Her mind blanks and her only thought is that she’s never going to see her sister again. She can hear President Mardsin’s voice over the speakers, stern and daring Alex to disobey her. “Your time is up, Agent Danvers. The Positron Cannon is ready to fire.”

“Madam President, I need more time.” She tries. She can’t let Kara die.

“You have your orders. Now complete your mission.” 

Alex forgets how to breathe evenly, her hands shaking at her sides and her stomach sinking farther than she’d thought was possible.

Her palm hovers over the button, the glowing red taunting her as she contemplates her options. If she saves Kara, she disobeys direct orders from the President and there will be consequences for that. But if she doesn't, she loses her sister, the one person in the world that has  _ always  _ been there for her. 

The speaker crackles and the President’s voice comes through. “Fire the cannon, Agent Danvers. This is a  _ direct  _ order.” 

Her own voice is small, cracking as it escapes her lips. “Yes, Madam President.” Her lips start to tremble as she shoots Maggie a look, hoping that maybe she’d have an alternative. Her hopes are dashed. There isn’t  _ anything _ she can do to save Kara now. She takes a deep breath and- 

“Alex.” Maggie’s hand is on her side, stopping her from hitting the button. “You don’t have to do this. Let me do it for you.”

“I can’t let you do that, Maggie.” Alex says. “This is something I need to do by myself.” Even if it’s something she’d never planned on ever doing. Never imagined she’d have to.

Maggie’s voice is soft as Alex meets her eyes for the first time since she got her orders. “You don’t have to do this alone. I can do this with you. It’s ride or die, remember?” 

Maggie gives her a moment and Alex knows she’s allowing her the chance to deny help. 

Alex can’t let Maggie do this with her. It’s her burden to bear and dragging Maggie down with her would be unfair. She’s grateful for the help, she really is, but this has to be weight on her shoulders alone.

She shakes her head and it’s almost imperceptible but Maggie notices. There’s a kiss pressed to her temple and a soft whisper. “I’m so sorry, Alex.” Maggie’s palm moves back to her side and Alex lowers her own. Every millisecond ticks by like an hour as they get closer and closer to launching the canon. Alex closes her eyes, she can’t watch herself do this, and wills herself to think of anything but what is about to happen.

There’s a crackling in her earpiece and Alex’s eyes snap open. A deep breath and then the familiar voice of her sister. “Be happy, Alex.” 

And then there’s an explosion she hears from miles away and in her earpiece. She screams. That’s the sound of her sister dying and there’s nothing she can do to help.

She breaks down into sobs and all she feels is pain and anger.

She barely registers the pair of arms that pull her close or the tears that mix in with hers.

//

Back at the alien bar, their temporary DEO base, everyone is quiet and still.

Alex can feel their eyes on her, probably hoping that she would lift their fears and tell them that Kara survived, but Alex has nothing to give. Maggie shakes her head next to her and Alex watches the light go out of everyone’s eyes. 

_ She did this. _ Kara wasn’t fast enough this time and Alex only has herself to blame. Maybe if she had waited a few more seconds Kara could have escaped. Maybe Kara was already about to escape when the beam hit and Alex never gave her the chance. 

Taking a deep breath, she lets Maggie guide her to a stool and she settles down there. She can hear their sniffles, can feel the sadness filling up the entire bar. She glances at James, face blank, staring at the floor, his helmet haphazardly thrown beside him. She looks away, unable to bear the pain that’s on everyone’s faces. 

Eventually, Winn speaks up. “The Daxamites are gone. The ones not on the ship retreated as soon as Alex…” He shoots her guilty look. “As soon as the ships vaporised.”

Cat Grants sighs, but it lacks its usual flair. “At least that problem is solved.”

There’s footsteps from the entrance and everyone diverts their eyes to the sight of Lena Luthor and Mon-El, eyes panicked and tear stained. 

The sight of them both enrages Alex and before she knows it, she has Mon-El pinned to the wall. The fact that no one stops her is unsurprising. She knows they’re as mad as she is. 

“You just left her!” Her voice is raw from crying. “You left her alone on that ship and you didn’t think  _ twice _ before leaving. You just sought to save yourself.”

“I’m sorry!” He tries but Alex hears none of it. “She wanted to do it alone. She  _ told  _ me to leave!”

Alex growls and then her fist connects with Mon-El’s jaw. Hard. “You don’t get to say that, you ass. Do you know how many times she’s told me that you never listen to her? And now, when it’s your own life on the line, you  _ finally _ choose to listen.”

Rubbing his jaw, Mon-El whines. “I just-”

“ _ Leave _ .” It’s James and his voice leaves little room for negotiation. Mon-El opens his mouth, like he might saying something else but changes his mind, taking one last look at everyone before leaving. Alex hopes she never has to see him again.

She turns to the Luthor next and Lena takes a step back, flinching under Alex’s stormy eyes. “Where’s your mother?”

Lena shakes her head. “I… I don’t know. She ran away after the cannon went off. I don’t know what her next move is going to be.” 

Alex wants to fight. She wants to scream at Lena for allowing this to happen. But deep down, she knows none of this is Lena’s fault. She hadn’t known what was happening; she hadn’t even thought her mother would come for her.

Besides, if Kara were here, she’d be heartbroken at the very thought Alex turning on Lena.  Lena’s just as sad as they all are and Alex knows what it feels like to lose the one person in the world that you trust. She knows her sister loved Lena, even if Kara herself hadn’t. The tears that well up in Lena’s eyes make her think her feelings ran much deeper than friendship too.

And ultimately, this entire thing was her doing. It was her who hit the button. She was the one who allowed her sister to die.  _ She’s murdered her own sister.  _

She doesn’t even realise that she’s silently crying until Maggie’s arms wrap around her again, one hand coming up to tuck her hair behind her ear. 

“I’m so sorry, Alex.” She hears Lena tell her. 

_ Me too. _

 

It’s not too long later when the sun begins to rise outside. The air is somber and the birds are awfully silent, as if even they too are mourning the loss of National City’s hero. 

Cat Grant had left about two hours ago, deciding to catch the next plane to wherever to be with her son. She promises to be back soon. _ For Kara’s funeral  _ goes unspoken. 

Now, though, there's two new faces in the bar. Clark and Eliza. 

Clark hugs Alex tight and joins James in the empty spot beside him. 

Eliza stands in a corner, face tear streaked and her hair a mess. She’d probably rushed out of their home as soon as she’d heard about Kara. Alex knew Winn had taken the responsibility of letting Eliza know since Alex being too much in shock to do anything.

Alex gets off her stool and Maggie gives her an encouraging look. She goes to her mother, arms outstretched for a hug but she's unexpectedly pushed aside. Eliza shakes her head, looking away and takes a step back. 

That's all Alex needs for it to dawn on her completely. 

Her whole life has been about protecting Kara, making sure she came home every night to her bed in one piece and ensuring that she was always safe. Even if it meant Alex had to sacrifice herself for it. 

But Alex  _ failed _ . It was the one thing she dedicated her life to and she failed. She betrayed Kara. She betrayed their mom, their friends. She betrayed  _ everyone _ . 

She’s taken away a daughter, a best friend, a lover, a  _ hero _ . She's taken away the light of National City. The one person who was always there to make everything better. 

And she hates herself for it.

She feels her eyes well up again and lets out a strangled apology before decidedly leaving the bar for some fresh air. 

It’s quiet outside the bar too and Alex is thankful for the peaceful silence. It’s the first time she’s been alone since everything that happened and she’s glad that there’s no one around her who wears their betrayal and grief on their face. She can’t stand the constant reminder of what she did. 

A look up in the sky gives her no gratification. Sometimes, she’d do this. Just stand outside and watch the sky, hoping for some sight of Kara flying around with her red cape fluttering behind her. The bright red of her cape was always a stark contrast to the light sky. Kara was always bright and noticeable and not only when she was in her suit.

Kara was sunshine in her life and everyone else’s. She was always there to light up the day,  presence never going unnoticed. You could be in a room packed with people and Kara was bound to be one of the first people you’d see. Especially with her golden hair and bright personality. 

Alex was always the opposite, often in her sister’s shadow. While everyone paid attention to Kara, Alex was left in the dust, often having her spotlight taken away by the lively spirit of Kara Danvers. People were usually intimidated by her dark aura and she never really blamed them. She’d had it drilled in her head that Kara’s happiness was more important than hers since she was fourteen. She’d never tried to steal her spotlight back.

Before Kara though, Alex was always the star. She was her parents favorite, her friends loved her and she had almost everything she wished for. Then Kara arrived and suddenly, Alex was pushed aside to fend for herself and didn’t know how to adjust to so many drastic changes. Her parents looked down on her, berating her for every tiny mistake she did that could somehow endanger Kara. She lost all her friends when she started showing up with Kara. No one wanted to hang around the awkward new kid and Alex couldn’t leave Kara alone. Then Kara would start getting bullied and Alex had to stand up for her every time which only served to increase everyone’s growing distaste to them both. 

So to give herself a little bit of self satisfaction, she worked on excelling at the one thing Kara never could do. Her studies. It’s not that Kara wasn’t good at it, in fact, she was remarkably intelligent. The education on Krypton was at a much more advanced level than the one on Earth and Kara already knew everything that was presented to her. Kara’s problem had been her inability to pay attention in class due to her sensitivity to the new planet thanks to her powers. It caused many teachers to dislike her, immediately pinning it down to disrespect and nonchalance. 

Alex had seen this as a chance when she was younger and immediately turned to her books, working ten times harder than before to get the full attention of her teachers. She pushed herself to the limit, participating in every class, handing in her homework on time and paying her utmost attention to the teachers. It worked well in the end, her teachers loved her and always complimented her on her effort. The only downside was that the teachers resented her when she stood up for Kara, either for beating up bullies or going against their word in defense of her sister. Alex just accepted that this was better than being completely ignored by her teachers. 

Now, as she looks back, she regrets all the negative thoughts she’s ever had about Kara. It took her so long to learn how to truly accept a sister into her life and when she did, she found that it was the best thing to ever happen to her. Kara was always good to her, defending her when Mom went overboard and more importantly, Kara had never failed her. 

Unlike Alex. 

She’d completely and utterly failed her sister’s love and trust by launching a cannon that killed her on the spot.

Once again, the reality hits her like a truck. There’s gonna be no more sister nights spent cuddling on the couch, watching boring movies as they catch up on each other’s lives. No more meaningless hugs or random I love you’s thrown around in their conversations. Alex will never experience the peace she feels when she’s alone with Kara. The feeling of home and happiness she’s only achieved one other time. With Maggie. But that’s a different kind of love and as much as Alex adores it, she’s already craving the calm Kara brings her. 

There’s a scrunch of leaves from behind and Alex turns around to see Maggie, standing there with swollen red eyes and her hair pulled back in a ponytail. She attempts a smile but it’s clearly faked. 

“You’ve been out here for a while.” Maggie informs. “Winn thinks he’s figured out a way to get J’onn to wake up.”

Alex nods weakly, unaware of how long she’d been standing outside. 

The reminder is like another weight dumped on her shoulders. Upon entering the bar, Lena explains that Rhea had found some old Martian technology and placed J’onn in a constant stream of nightmares about his time on Mars. 

The realisation that J’onn is gonna wake up to another nightmare feels like a punch to the gut. Nightmares of his time on Mars must mean watching his daughters die over and over again. He’d have been relieving that pain for the past day or so and Alex hates that he’ll wake up to the reality that Kara, his third daughter, is also dead. The worst part is that there’s nothing she can do about it.

She wonders if, just like Mom, J’onn would hate her too. She knows she’d deserve it.

Winn has the little machine in his hands and he tweaks at it in hopes of erasing whatever effect Rhea cast on J’onn. It works because a few seconds later, J’onn is groaning and shifting back into his human form. He sits up, deflecting everyone’s insistence on him laying down, and scans the small crowd gathered around him. The moment he realises everyone’s forlorn faces and the lack of Kara’s presence, his face falls. 

“Where’s Kara?”

Everyone’s silent, unwilling to tell J’onn what happened, but the silence is enough of an answer for him and he slumps against the wall, head down. They clear the area, wanting to give J’onn some space, but Alex stays behind. 

She takes a seat next to J’onn. “I’m sorry.”

“What happened?” His voice is uncharacteristically small. Alex has never seen him look this helpless. 

She hates herself for it. 

She explains what happened, carefully threading the part on how Kara died, scrutinizing his face for any blame or resentment to Alex. To her surprise, she finds none. Instead she sees pity in his eyes and Alex doesn’t know which is worse. 

His eyes are full of tears as he takes Alex’s hand in his. “It wasn’t your fault, Alex.”

“But I fired that cannon. I  _ killed _ her.”

J’onn shakes his head. “She would have wanted you too. And you had no choice.”

He pulls her in for a hug, and lets her cry silently into his shoulder. 

“Don’t blame yourself, Alex.” He’s crying into hers too. Alex can’t help but believe that it’s her fault. 

//

Somehow, in the mess of their emotions, they manage to relocate back to the DEO. The other agents are here and they look as empty as everyone else without Supergirl by their side. 

Before Kara, the DEO was always quiet and dark, every agent doing their own thing without any distractions or interruptions. But then Kara came along and with her she showered the DEO with liveliness and energy. She’d regularly bring snacks or talk to everyone about their lives and initially, they thought of her as a distraction from their work, but eventually they warmed up to her. Everyone loved Kara and she loved everyone. 

Now, though, the DEO is less lively than before, not a single smile on anyone’s faces. The only sounds coming from hushed whispers of some of the agents, often glancing at Alex as they spoke. It made her uncomfortable so she’d turned her backs to them. 

Most of the agents were sent out with J’onn not too long ago, ordered to search National City for any chance of debris from the Daxamite ships. Alex can tell everyone has a tiny fragment of hope that Kara had made it, even she does, but the logical part of her brain tells her it’s impossible. The beam would have vaporised Kara and everything else around her on the spot. She supposes it’s some form of comfort to know that her death was painless. 

Alex had tried her best to fight J’onn when he insisted she stay behind and rest with the others but he hadn’t relented and some part of Alex agrees that it’s for the best. It doesn’t stop her from feeling bitter though. She wants to help. It doesn’t sit well with her to wait around and do nothing. If anything, she wants to get her mind off the past few hours. 

She wants to talk to Mom but Eliza’s sleeping in one of the break rooms and Alex is honestly far too afraid of how that conversation would go. 

Tired of sitting alone, she spots Lena in the far corner, staring blankly at the dark tiles of the DEO. Alex walks over to her, unsure of why she’s even doing this. 

“I’m sorry you had to find out this way.” She starts. Kara may never have told her but she knows Kara always felt bad about having to hide her identity from her best friend. 

Lena looks confused. “Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry you found out Kara was Supergirl this way.” Alex explains. “You didn’t deserve that.”

“I always knew.” At Alex’s perplexed face, Lena continues. “She wasn’t as subtle as she’d like to think.”

That brings out the smallest of smiles from Alex and she nods in agreement. “I always told her that. And she really wanted to tell you herself.”

Lena nods and they’re both silent again. 

 

After successfully reigniting the main source of electricity in the DEO, Winn joins them too, silent and lost.

Not too long later, Maggie approaches with James, both of them holding cups of steaming coffee and a bag of donuts. She can tell by the brand on the bag that they’d both walked the extra mile just to get Alex’s favourite. It’s probably the powdered ones too. She’s grateful for the gesture, but donuts were also Kara’s favourite and the thought of her never being able to eat them again makes Alex sick to the stomach. Still, she smiles politely and accepts the coffee, deciding that it’s better to not starve herself. The hot coffee burns as it slides down her throat but Alex barely cares. 

James takes a seat across from her, his shoulders hunched and head down. She truly feels sorry for him, she’s taken away from him a best friend and a soulmate. Kara may have ended their relationship all those months ago but Alex knows she had a reason for it. Kara felt as if her connection with James was too strong so she’d pulled away, afraid of it hurting them both in the long run. Now she knows that James regrets never telling Kara he loved her. She wishes she could give him the chance too. Kara and James deserved each other, more than anyone else she’d ever seen, and she’d taken that away from them too.

She leans into Maggie, seeking her warmth and comfort, hoping that it will be enough. Before she knows it, she’s fallen into a deep sleep.

 

Unsurprisingly, she wakes up in a sweat, her dreams filled with constant replays of the night before. She’s still next to Maggie but she’s glad that the rest of the group had disbanded sometime during her sleep. They didn’t need to see her like this. 

Maggie soothes her, whispers kind words in her ears and wipes away the quiet tears sliding down her face. Alex is grateful for her.

 

The search team returns that evening and their forlorn faces tell Alex that there’s no way they found Kara. She’d expected as much but the thought of burying an empty coffin just makes her more sad. Kara deserved better than this and suddenly, Alex wishes it was her on that ship instead. The world would remain the same with Alex Danvers but a world without Kara is a world not worth living in. 

J’onn pulls her aside and she just has to ask. “No sign of Kara?”

He shakes his head. “She was vaporised on the spot but… we found this.” He opens the bag in his hands and removes a deep red cloth, slightly disfigured and mostly crinkled but Alex’s heart stops for a second. It’s Kara’s cape. “We don’t know know how it survived but Clark found it and decided that you deserve it.”

Alex nods, eyes filling with tears once more as she hugs it to her face and takes in a deep breath. It still smells like her, a little burnt but still Kara. “Thank you.” she whispers. 

“She would want you to have it.” J’onn places a hand on her shoulder and squeezes, before leaving. 

Clark stands in a corner, speaking in hushed voices with James. She walks over to them, the cape hugged tightly to her chest. James leaves when she approaches and she reminds herself to talk to him later. 

“Thank you.” She tells Clark, slightly raising her hands holding the cape. 

He nods. “I think it would be in better hands with you.” Then he frowns. “I’m sorry you had to do that. It should have been me on that ship.”

“She would have thought otherwise.”

Clark’s smile is sad and Alex can imagine how he feels. He’s the last Kryptonian now and he’ll never find his kind again. There’s no one to tell him about his planet anymore, just the memories of Kara of her shining eyes as she’d tell them both stories of Krypton when they were younger. “She would.”

Alex readies herself to leave but Clarke stops her. “Hey Alex? It wasn’t your fault okay?” 

She looks away, unbelieving as she walks back to Maggie. She can hear him sigh disappointedly. He’s one of the many people she’d disappointed in the past few hours. 

 

She’s still alone with Maggie, nose buried in Kara’s cape when Eliza wakes up. Her eyes land on Alex, or more specifically the bundle in her arms, and widen. Alex sighs and Maggie leans her head on Alex’s shoulder, whispering. “I’m sorry about your mom.”

“I should have expected it.” She replies. “I did always promise her I’d keep Kara safe.”

“Hey, no. It wasn’t your fault okay? You did what you had to do.” Maggie tries to comfort her. “And your mom shouldn’t be ignoring you like this. She just needs some time to process.”

Alex nods but she doesn’t quite believe Maggie’s words. Especially not when Mom shakes her head and walks in the opposite direction. Away from her own daughter. Alex’s sigh runs as deep as the ache in her heart.

 

By the end of the day, everyone’s got the DEO mostly cleaned up. There’s still some work to be done, extensive damage that’s going to take a couple of days to repair but everyone’s satisfied with what they’ve accomplished. 

There’s still the lingering thought of how much faster this would have gone by if Kara were around though. But Clark helped as much as he could despite his distaste for the DEO.

Maggie brings her home after and offers to help Alex in the shower but she refuses, disliking the fragile way she’s been treated all day. Maggie nods, understanding as always, and Alex regrets pushing her away. 

When she emerges from the shower, feeling significantly fresher, Maggie’s waiting for her with dinner and Alex is glad her girlfriend understands enough to not get any of Kara’s favourites again. 

Somehow she swallows down her dinner fairly easily, though it’s probably cause she’d had nothing but some coffee all day. The next thing she knows she’d two shots of scotch down when Maggie pries the bottle away from her hands, telling her that she’d had enough, and brings her to bed. 

Being the kind, helpful person that she is, Maggie tucks Alex into the bed and lays down next to her, watching Alex in silence. Eventually, she places her palm in between the both of them, an open invitation for comfort. Alex meets Maggie’s eyes and reaches lays her own palm, face up, on the bed. Maggie holds it, squeezing for comfort and the smallest of smiles start to form in the corners of her lips. 

Her last thought before drifting off to a stressful sleep is of Kara and the sleepovers they’d use to have at her place.

//

Once again, she wakes up mid nightmare, forehead sweaty and tears dripping down her face. 

It takes her a moment to notice the arms cradling her head and whispered words of “everything will be fine, sweetie.”

Taking a few deep breaths, Alex pulls herself together and Maggie slowly releases her hold but one palm moves to her arm for reassurance. “You wanna talk about it?” Maggie asks, frowning. 

Alex shakes her head, not willing to relieve her experiences and leaves the bed to get some water from the kitchen. She can feel Maggie’s eyes on her. A quick glance at the clock tells her it’s 5am and she realises she’s lucky to have managed to get at least five hours of sleep. That also means there’s no use going back to bed which is great because the last thing she wants is to live through those horrid nightmares once more. 

Maggie comes out a couple of minutes later and takes a seat at the counter, eyes following Alex’s every move. Alex sighs. “I was thinking of going to Kara’s apartment today. To take her stuff.”

“Want me to come along?” Maggie’s tone is casual but Alex knows her enough to realise that she desperately wants the answer to be yes. Alex nods, deciding to not do this by herself and Maggie gets off the stool, kissing her cheek on the way to the bathroom. “We can leave after breakfast.”

//

The apartment door is open when they arrive and Alex immediately switches to trained DEO agent mode. But a slight peak shows that there’s no Kryptonian hating alien in there but something Alex considers much much worse.  _ Mom. _

She almost turns back with Maggie when she hears the the soft gasp. She clears her throat. “Sorry, Mom. I can leave-”

Eliza cuts her off. “No, Alex, don’t be silly. You don’t have to leave.” 

Alex nods, cautiously walking into the apartment as if she’s afraid of minefields. Maggie trails behind her giving Eliza a smile and wave. 

They stand in awkward silence until Maggie breaks the silence. “I’m going to get some snacks for us. I’m sure we’ll get hungry soon.” 

“That would be lovely, dear.” 

Maggie gives Alex a look, allowing her to control what happens next. “You know what to get me.”

Then Maggie’s gone and Alex is left alone with her mother for the first time since Kara died. 

“Alexandra.” Eliza says and suddenly Alex wishes she hadn’t allowed the Maggie to leave. 

She sighs. “Look, mom, I don’t want to fight. If that’s the case then I’m just going to leave.”

But Eliza shakes her head, tears welling up and she scoops Alex, her only daughter now, up into a tight hug. Alex is hesitant at first, unsure of how to feel but eventually she wraps her arms around her mother and releases a breath she hadn’t realised she was holding. It felt good to be hugged by mom like this again, even if the circumstances aren’t exactly ideal. 

When she was a kid, she hated it every time Kara intruded her hugs with mom. She’d always come barrelling into them, the words “Group hug!” resonating loudly through the air. Eventually, Alex pulled away from her family and those hugs became few and far between. 

Now, she longs for Kara to come squealing and to hug them so tight that it borders the line between what humans can and cannot take. 

Alex doesn’t even realise she’s crying again until Mom pulls away and rubs the tears from her cheeks. Sniffling, Alex feels like a kid again as she mumbles her words. “I’m so sorry.”

Eliza runs her hands through Alex’s hair and Alex realises she’s crying too. “ _ I’m _ the one who’s sorry, Alex. It wasn’t right of me to treat you like that.”

“But I couldn’t protect her.” Alex shuts her eyes tight. “It was my job to protect her. You should be mad at me.”

“It’s not your fault, honey. She would have wanted you to do that. You know it.” She feels mom’s hands cradling her face and a kiss dropped to her forehead. How long has it been since she got this much of attention from Eliza? If Kara is the price she had to pay for it then she doesn’t want it. 

She pulls herself away and meets mom’s eyes. “I didn’t want it to end like this.”

Eliza nods. “None of us did.” 

 

Kara’s apartment almost feels like she’s still living in it. Granted, it’s only been a day, but Alex feels like if she opened up the bedroom door, she’d find Kara in a deep sleep with little snores escaping every once and a while. Alex imagines she’d have mostly kicked her blanket off and her eyes would be darting beneath her eyelids, probably dreaming of something that Alex hopes is not a nightmare. 

When she opens the door, all she sees is an empty, fully made bed and she sighs. On the bedside table though, sits Kara’s glasses. Kara must have left it there before leaving as Supergirl, thus explaining the stack of work clothes piled right below the table.

She finds it’s case in the drawer and carefully secures them inside it before placing it in her bag. 

She scours the room to find mostly unwashed laundry and a couple of crumpled pages from her notebook. Probably Kara getting frustrated writing late night articles for Snapper. What’s CatCo going to do without their newest and brightest reporter? Yet another thing she’s taken away from the world. 

There’s a mirror nearby and all Alex sees on her face is guilt and puffy red eyes. She’s been told she’d done the right thing, that she’s saved National City. She supposes that would make her a hero but all she sees in her reflection is a killer. The reflection of a woman who murdered her own sister and rid the world of it’s light.

Someone knocks the door from behind her and Alex finds Maggie waiting in the mirror’s reflection. “Hey babe.” She greets. “I got you some grilled cheese.”

Alex walks out the room with Maggie and she whispers, “I take it things went well with your mother?” Alex nods and Maggie brings her close. “I told you she just needed some time.”

//

They agree on having two funerals for Kara. A small one that’ll be for everyone who was close enough to Kara to know her secret identity and a much larger one for Supergirl. So that the general public can pay respects to their fallen hero. Alex dreads the idea of going to either of these funerals. She goes out of obligation and because she knows Kara would want her there. And maybe, if she went, she thinks that she could get some sort of closure for what happened.

The few people who turn up are their family, the DEO bases from both National City and the hidden bunk in the desert, and Cat Grant. Initially she’s surprised Mon-El didn’t work his way through but a quick question to Winn tells her that he’d fled along with the very last of the Daxamites like the coward he truly is. Everyone agrees that it’s a good riddance. No one liked him anyway. Alex wonders if Kara even did or if she just liked the idea of being with someone who shared their extraterrestrial problems. It was definitely the latter. Still, Alex wishes she’d done something when she realised how much of a dick he was.

Since everyone knows Kara is Supergirl, they agree on conducting a Kryptonian funeral. Clark flies the empty coffin up to the air and J’onn follows with Alex and Eliza, Kara’s closest family, in tow. They stay low enough for the rest of the crowd to watch. She’d learned from Kara that the last surviving female leads the rites and since there’s none who are Kryptonian, Clark bestows her with the opportunity, insisting that it’s what Kara would have wished for. She knows he’s right but that doesn’t stop her from believing she doesn’t deserve this. It seems kind of ironic for the person who killed her to be sending her away. Especially since she was responsible for the death of Astra too.

Clark’s taught her the Prayer For The Dead and after he sets the empty coffin, Alex begins, her eyes tearing up once more. She can’t remember the last time she cried this much. She takes a deep breath before reciting the words.

“ _ You have been the sun of our lives. _

_ Our prayers will the sun that lights your way on your journey home. _

_ We will remember you in every dawn. _

_ And await the night we join you in the sky. _

_ Rao’s will be done.” _

When she’s done, she looks at the coffin, empty and devoid of anything but a picture of Kara. She’s smiling in it, happy and gleeful. Alex wishes she could see that smile just one more time.

She doesn’t miss the way J’onn pulls her and Eliza closer when Clark sends the coffin away.

They return to everyone else on the ground after watching the coffin float away, hoping for Kara to find her way to Rao, and everyone moves to Kara’s apartment.

On the way back, Lucy Lane falls in step with Alex. It’s been awhile since they met and Alex truly wishes it was under better circumstances. After J’onn decided to move to the DEO headquarters, he’d left Lucy in charge of the cave, and Alex had only seen her once or twice since.

Lucy smiles sympathetically and lays a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “I know you’re tired of hearing this but I really am sorry. It must have been so hard to do what you did.”

“It was.” Alex says. 

“I know you don’t think so but that was very brave of you and you didn’t deserve for that to happen.” Lucy pulls her into a hug and for once, Alex isn’t annoyed by someone saying they’re sorry. Lucy may not be right about her being brave, because if she were, she’d have gone against the President’s orders and saved her sister. But Lucy was right about one thing. She didn’t deserve what happened. 

Or maybe, the tiny voice inside her head said, she did. This isn’t the first time she’s killed someone. Just over a year ago, Alex had plunged a knife into Astra, Kara’s beloved aunt and one of the few Kryptonians who survived. She’s responsible for killing off half of the remaining survivors now and more importantly, she’s responsible for murdering the last of Kara’s family. Maybe the hurt she’d caused Kara after was why she deserved this fate.

 

It’s quiet in Kara’s apartment and everyone’s mostly staring into space or idly munching on the food they’d ordered. The TV fills the area with soft background noise from a movie Alex can’t be bothered to identify. 

It’s been an hour since the funeral and only a few of them are left. 

Alex signals James into Kara’s room and he follows her, clearly confused. 

Sitting on Kara’s bed is her cape and Alex retrieves it, hugging it close to her chest one more time. Then she hands it to James who’s staring at her with wide eyes, just about ready to deny Alex’s offer. 

She beats him to his words. “She would have wanted you to have it.” 

James shakes his head. “I can’t, Alex. You should keep it. She was your sister.” 

“And we both loved her.” Alex explains. “You deserve something good to remember her by.” 

Still in doubt, James reaches out for the cape and Alex gives it willingly even if there is a part of her that wants it back. It is one of her last memories of Kara after all. Besides, she’s thought this through. She has both Kara’s glasses and her cape. James Olsen, one of the few people who believed in Kara with the same unwavering intensity as Alex, deserved something of hers. It was either the cape or the glasses and Alex settled on keeping the glasses. She wanted to remember Kara for who she was, the girl who brightened anyone’s day with a smile and would die for those she loved, not Supergirl, the hero who was obliged to guard her city. 

She figures James would appreciate the cape better too. It still smells like her and Kara thinks James might want to hold on to that. She knows how badly he wished the two of them hadn’t ended things. Besides, he was the one who initially gave it to her and Alex figures it might be symbolic for James to have it next.

“Thank you.” He says, pulling Alex into a long hug. “I’m really glad I still have you.”

“Me too.”

//

It’s been four days since Alex launched that damned cannon and she can barely sleep anymore. Every time she does, the nightmares keep getting worse and worse. It’s evolved from watching Kara’s betrayed face before dying to watching Maggie’s face, then Winn, Eliza, J’onn, James,  _ everyone _ she cares about. Alex just wants it to stop.

Alex has endured so many losses but this is by far the worst. She thought losing Jeremiah, in more ways than one, was bad but this is much worse. Kara was her light, her purpose, her everything and she ruined it. She ruined her life and she ruined everyone else’s in just the few seconds it took to land her palm on that button. She wishes she could take it all back. 

Rationally, she knows that had it not been for what she did, the world would be overrun by the Daxamites by now. It would be a wasteland and she’d likely have lost more people in the field. Hell, she’d likely have lost her own life. But Kara could have lived and maybe, Alex thinks, a war torn world with Kara in it would be better than one without. 

Suddenly, she’s overcome with sadness and she breaks. She’d spent so long bottling it up, barely allowing herself to cry but now she’s buried her face in Maggie’s chest, soaking Maggie’s shirt with the tears from her sobs and finally letting everything out. Maggie stays with her, rubbing her back and whispering into her ears. She grips Maggie tightly, grateful that she’s got someone who’s been there for her through everything. 

Even when she finally stops sobbing, Maggie doesn’t let go. Instead, she holds on just as tight until Alex falls asleep once more on her chest. 

//

It takes them nearly two weeks to coordinate Supergirl’s funeral. Alex busied herself with the planning, helping out with the meticulous timing and arranging. It helped get her mind off things and for that short period of time, Alex could pretend that it wasn’t  _ Kara’s _ funeral they were planning but some random public figure’s. Now, during the funeral, with the large poster of a Supergirl hanging against the wall, Alex feels lost. Who thought it would be a good idea to put up such a big poster of her sister doing what she loved most? It aches Alex to know that she’d never see the exhilaration and happiness on Kara’s face every time she had a successful day again. 

There’s a large crowd on the field, Alex estimates that it’s nearly half of the city here today. The air is sombre and stuffy and Alex wishes she’d taken J’onn’s offer of not attending. But it’s for Kara, and if this is something Kara would have wanted then Alex doesn’t mind forcing herself. Besides, she’s at the front, where the cameras and reporters asking an unbelievable amount of questions are restricted from. She’s upset that they’d take such a tragic event as a chance to write out their next big article. To earn themselves some sort of a name. 

Kara would have loved an opportunity like this though. Alex thinks of all the people who should write this article, it should be Kara. But it’s hard to write an article on your own funeral when you’re dead. Everyone who didn’t know Kara was Supergirl, thinks she died in the crossfire of the Daxamite invasion anyway. They wouldn’t question why the new, gleeful reporter wasn’t taking up the first chance to write this article. 

She diverts her attention back to the speech that’s got the entire crowd hooked, everyone sniffling and wiping tears as their President speaks. Alex seethes at her instead. 

“I am so terribly sad for the loss of our greatest hero. She was the light of National City, our hope in the darkest of times, and I’m sure all of us will miss her dearly. If there was anything I could do to bring her back, I would…” 

Alex tunes her out again when she feels Maggie squeeze her palm next to her. “You okay, babe?” 

“It’s just…  _ she did this. _ ” Alex tries to explain. If it wasn’t for President Mardsin, Alex wouldn’t have had to push that button. She wouldn’t have had to vaporise her own sister. She wonders if the public knows that Kara wasn’t even given a chance to free herself. Alex wonders what would have happened if the President wasn’t in her ears that night. Would she have given Kara the chance? Definitely. But what if Kara had never come out of the ship? She dreads of think of what she might have done then. 

Maggie frowns and nods, squeezing her palm tight. “It’ll be over soon,” she says.

When it’s finally over Clark, or rather Superman, takes the stage. He gives a heartfelt speech about being Kara’s kid cousin despite the fact that he’s physically older than her. He tells them stories on how Kara taught him everything there is to know about Krypton, about how kind and sweet she was. By the end of his speech, everyone’s already crying. 

Alex is glad she’s not required to give a speech, she isn’t a hundred percent sure she’d be able to control herself up on that podium. 

The funeral is eventually over and Alex finds herself alone with Winn as they wait for everyone else to leave. 

“How are you holding up?” she asks as she takes a seat next to him on the plastic chairs that had been scattered around for the funeral. 

Winn shrugs, looking down. “She was like a sister to me, you know? She gave me a family when I spent so long thinking that after everything that happened with my dad, I’d never have a family again.”

“Well, for what it’s worth,” Alex says, “You’re like a little brother to me. And we’re still family. All of us. Even without her.” 

Winn doesn’t say it but Alex knows just how grateful he is to be confident that he’ll always have them. And Alex is grateful too because without Kara, Alex never would have found her way into their little rag-tag family too.

//

Maggie stays with her that night, as she has every night starting a month or so ago. They haven’t yet made it official but Maggie practically lives in her apartment at this point anyway. Her clothes are in the drawers, her toothbrush next to Alex’s, her favourite mug in the kitchen. 

There’s a sharp pang in Alex’s chest as she thinks about Kara’s stuff that are still in her apartment. Clothes and other practicals her sister left behind for days she stayed over. Alex knows she’ll have to get rid of them eventually but she decides to keep it there for now. She’ll do it when the time is right. When she’s ready to fully let go of Kara. 

“I’m really sorry.” Maggie says and Alex lets out a sigh, near her breaking point. She’s tired of people telling her that over and over again. She thinks she might just snap when Maggie continues. “I promised you I’d try and get along with Kara better and we tried and improved but we never really got there.” 

_ Oh _ .

“Hey, it’s okay.” Alex says, surprised that she’s the one doing the comforting for the first time in two weeks. Sometimes she forgets Maggie was there when it happened. “You both tried and that’s what matters.”

“I really wished we did. I wanted us to get along and it wasn’t just  because of you.” Maggie explains. “I guess I kinda saw parts of myself in Kara. I think it would have worked out better between us if we talked about that.”

“She really liked you and I know you did too.”

Maggie nods and pulls Alex into a hug. Alex nuzzles into her shoulder. “Thank you.” Alex says softly.

“For what?”

“Being there for me when I needed you most.” 

Maggie kisses her forehead. “Always.” 

//

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](http://mcggiesawyr.tumblr.com/)


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